Kayoko
It was in a magazine that I first saw her.
The magazine was published monthly by the Japanese Embassy and discussed topics such as immigration, foreign and diplomatic relations between the Philippines and Japan, culture, and lives of Filipinos living in Japan and lives of Japanese living in the Philippines.
She was a regular student at the University of the Philippines, taking up Landscape Architecture as her major. Before studying in UP, she majored in International Studies at the International Christian University in Japan. She decided to study in the Philippines, after an academic requirement and started her 4 years of study there.
As,I read the article about her I learned many things. She was active in supporting Filipino and Japanese Non-Government Organizations that dealt with poverty and uplifting the conditions of underprivileged people. She also practiced tradional Japanese dance. Travelling around the Philippines was one of her passions, and she greatly enjoyed learning Filipino cultures, customs and traditions. She was also fairly fluent in speaking Filipino/Tagalog because of this.
She inspired me due to her altruistic ideals and optimism. It was her kindness and pleasant personality and simple beauty that attracted me to her. It was through a common friend that I met her and got to know her more.
She was in the final year of her studies and she was busy with school work along with her commitments to the various NGO's that she supported so there was not much time that we spent together. It was thru her that I became a member of SALT, a Japanese NGO helping out the people living in Payatas (An open garbage dump site) thru livelihood programs and education programs by giving supplementary classes in English and Math.
My Sundays were spent teaching the children. This wasn't something new to me because we also had a program called "Tulong Dunong" or "Knowledge Help" in a rough English translation, back in high school as we tutuored children studying in public elementary schools.
As I got to know her more, we became good friends. I always offered my help whenever she would need assistance in NGO work and also with researching. Helping her made me happy and this made me realize that I was falling in love with her.
I admit that I am "torpe" (a person who cannot tell his feelings for a beloved) and a shy guy. Although I did not tell her "I love you" verbally, I made sure that my actions would convey that message subtlely but clearly. I made it known to her by actions both great and small and thru seemingly vague messages. I guess the biggest fear for me was losing the friendship if I ever told her how I really felt towards her and if I found out that she doesn't feel same way towards me, the whole thing would change for the worse. I did not want her to avoid me because of this or for it to affect our relationship adversely. I also didn't want to be a distraction to her out of respect for her studies and busy schedule, I figured that she has a lot of important things to be done and it would be selfish and inconsiderate of me to tell her in the midst of her thesis and other academic requirements. I decided not to tell her and to continue conveying my love thru action instead of words. Beeing around her was enough for me and brought me happiness, but at the same time I was also wishing for the best with regard to our situation.
As her studies came to an end and it was time for her to go back to Japan. I decided to tell her how I really felt regardless of the result, as selfish as it may sound. Finally saying it would end all the "what-ifs" and the regret of not telling her my true feelings. Before she went back to Japan, I asked her out for lunch. I was having doubts whether to tell her or not. After leaving the restaurant and before going on our seperate ways, I told her how I felt. I no longer remember the exact words she told me, but if my memory serves me right it was something like this, "Why... I'm going back to Japan... I'm sure you will find a better girl for you." I would be lying if I told you that I didn't get hurt with what she said, but I was prepared for anything and I didn't care much anymore as long as I was able to tell her how I felt. After uttering those words I felt a sigh of relief. In analyzing her answer, I wondered if telling her earlier could have changed the result. I told her "I hope our friendship still remains", and that the result wasn't as important as me telling her how I felt. As we separated ways, I watched her disappear towards the horizon.
It has been 4 or 5 months since then. She is now in Tokyo and I'm here in New York, we are miles apart and seperated by twelve time zones. We still e-mail each other sometimes. I just remebered to e-mail her yestreday, beacause it was her birthday and I also sent her a birthday card a week earlier. I still think about her sometimes and how she's doing. I guess the only consolation for me is that we are under the same moon and sky.
In the birthday card and e-mail that I sent her, I had one wish for her.
To My First Love, I Wish You Happiness.
The magazine was published monthly by the Japanese Embassy and discussed topics such as immigration, foreign and diplomatic relations between the Philippines and Japan, culture, and lives of Filipinos living in Japan and lives of Japanese living in the Philippines.
She was a regular student at the University of the Philippines, taking up Landscape Architecture as her major. Before studying in UP, she majored in International Studies at the International Christian University in Japan. She decided to study in the Philippines, after an academic requirement and started her 4 years of study there.
As,I read the article about her I learned many things. She was active in supporting Filipino and Japanese Non-Government Organizations that dealt with poverty and uplifting the conditions of underprivileged people. She also practiced tradional Japanese dance. Travelling around the Philippines was one of her passions, and she greatly enjoyed learning Filipino cultures, customs and traditions. She was also fairly fluent in speaking Filipino/Tagalog because of this.
She inspired me due to her altruistic ideals and optimism. It was her kindness and pleasant personality and simple beauty that attracted me to her. It was through a common friend that I met her and got to know her more.
She was in the final year of her studies and she was busy with school work along with her commitments to the various NGO's that she supported so there was not much time that we spent together. It was thru her that I became a member of SALT, a Japanese NGO helping out the people living in Payatas (An open garbage dump site) thru livelihood programs and education programs by giving supplementary classes in English and Math.
My Sundays were spent teaching the children. This wasn't something new to me because we also had a program called "Tulong Dunong" or "Knowledge Help" in a rough English translation, back in high school as we tutuored children studying in public elementary schools.
As I got to know her more, we became good friends. I always offered my help whenever she would need assistance in NGO work and also with researching. Helping her made me happy and this made me realize that I was falling in love with her.
I admit that I am "torpe" (a person who cannot tell his feelings for a beloved) and a shy guy. Although I did not tell her "I love you" verbally, I made sure that my actions would convey that message subtlely but clearly. I made it known to her by actions both great and small and thru seemingly vague messages. I guess the biggest fear for me was losing the friendship if I ever told her how I really felt towards her and if I found out that she doesn't feel same way towards me, the whole thing would change for the worse. I did not want her to avoid me because of this or for it to affect our relationship adversely. I also didn't want to be a distraction to her out of respect for her studies and busy schedule, I figured that she has a lot of important things to be done and it would be selfish and inconsiderate of me to tell her in the midst of her thesis and other academic requirements. I decided not to tell her and to continue conveying my love thru action instead of words. Beeing around her was enough for me and brought me happiness, but at the same time I was also wishing for the best with regard to our situation.
As her studies came to an end and it was time for her to go back to Japan. I decided to tell her how I really felt regardless of the result, as selfish as it may sound. Finally saying it would end all the "what-ifs" and the regret of not telling her my true feelings. Before she went back to Japan, I asked her out for lunch. I was having doubts whether to tell her or not. After leaving the restaurant and before going on our seperate ways, I told her how I felt. I no longer remember the exact words she told me, but if my memory serves me right it was something like this, "Why... I'm going back to Japan... I'm sure you will find a better girl for you." I would be lying if I told you that I didn't get hurt with what she said, but I was prepared for anything and I didn't care much anymore as long as I was able to tell her how I felt. After uttering those words I felt a sigh of relief. In analyzing her answer, I wondered if telling her earlier could have changed the result. I told her "I hope our friendship still remains", and that the result wasn't as important as me telling her how I felt. As we separated ways, I watched her disappear towards the horizon.
It has been 4 or 5 months since then. She is now in Tokyo and I'm here in New York, we are miles apart and seperated by twelve time zones. We still e-mail each other sometimes. I just remebered to e-mail her yestreday, beacause it was her birthday and I also sent her a birthday card a week earlier. I still think about her sometimes and how she's doing. I guess the only consolation for me is that we are under the same moon and sky.
In the birthday card and e-mail that I sent her, I had one wish for her.
To My First Love, I Wish You Happiness.
posted by Ernest at
1:30 AM
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